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Julie Chen immigrated to the United States when she was twelve. In 2019, she is twenty-four years old. Twelve years have passed since she moved from China. Julie’s parents used to be gymnastics athletes. After their divorce when Julie was four, her mother moved to the states to coach gymnastics.
At that time, her name was still Shiqi Chen. When Julie was twelve, her father decided to send her to the states where her mother had started a new family with an American husband. Julie remembered her father’s words, “there will be a better environment for you in America.” That was the last moment she shared with him. From that point onwards, she was known as Julie Chen.
In America, there were hardships that she had to endure. There were times that she was homesick. There were changes within that took place without her notice. Unlike her Asian friends who were born and raised in the states, she said: “I have never felt that this is my home.” However, she lost the privilege to miss home as there is no more home in China for her.
“I am too Chinese to be American and too American to be Chinese.”
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1. Basket
“Sometimes I still want to be a kid. I wish hiding away could avoid the inevitable.”
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2. Bus Ride
“Sitting in a bus full of Chinese, frankly I felt more like an American. Our differences can’t be distinguished, only to be felt.”
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3. Parents
“Filial obedience is embedded in the Chinese culture. I wanted to be me, but I couldn’t be free.”
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4. Eyes
“I used to hate my mono lids. They defined me before I could define myself in this foreign country. I didn’t want to stay as a foreigner.”
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5. Stretch Mark
“Hard days flew by just as easy days did. When I realized what had changed, only the marks on my flesh could tell a better story than myself.”
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6. Turtle Neck
“Half of my lifetime ago, I spent my summers on the streets of my hometown. The luxury of my childhood was soon replaced by electronics and a hunched over posture.”
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7. China Town
“Home is far away, so the only chance I get to reconnect is at the local china town. Everyone here is an immigrant. Somehow this place feels more like home.”
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8. Pupa
“Looking through a tunnel, you can see lights from the exit but nothing of its detail. The dark feels warmer than the light when you are in here too long. The destination is presented in front of my eyes. I blinked twice, but it does not get clearer. I didn’t want to continue, hiding becomes natural when you are stuck in this state.”
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9. Butterfly
“I don’t belong here. I don’t belong anywhere. The force that drives me is my biological needs. But I’m lacking something that cannot be found. I don’t know what to search for. I am Chinese but not Chinese. I am American but not American.”
